The menopausal rollercoaster: Hot flashes, mood swings and unexpected surprises

Ladies, gather 'round for a tale as old as time - the saga of menopause and its mischievous little sister, perimenopause. Just when you thought you had this whole "being a woman" thing figured out, your body decides to throw you a curveball (or ten).

The Symptoms You Never Knew You Needed

Recent research has uncovered a treasure trove of delightful new ways our bodies can torment us during this magical time. It's not just about hot flashes and mood swings anymore, folks. Oh no, we've hit the jackpot of discomfort!

Did you know that some women experience a burning sensation in their mouths during menopause? It's like your tongue decided to cosplay as a dragon. And let's not forget about the newly discovered joy of menopausal joint pain. Because who doesn't want to feel like they've run a marathon while simply getting out of bed?

But wait, there's more! Some lucky ladies get to experience heightened allergies during menopause. Suddenly, your neighbour's cat becomes your arch-nemesis, and pollen is public enemy number one. It's like your immune system decided to go through a midlife crisis too.

The "Treatments" of Yesteryear

In the past, women have tried some truly eyebrow-raising remedies to combat menopausal symptoms. Our grandmothers' generation was told to simply "grin and bear it" or take a cold bath (because that's exactly what you want when you're having a hot flash, right?).

Some historical "treatments" included:

- Drinking turpentine (spoiler alert: don't do this)

- Applying cocaine to the uterus (again, not recommended)

- Undergoing hypnosis (less dangerous, but equally ineffective)

Thankfully, modern science has debunked these questionable practices. We now know that turpentine is better suited for stripping paint than treating menopause, and cocaine belongs in the "just say no" category, not in your reproductive organs.

The Nightly Fiona Fling

Speaking of hot flashes, I've recently joined the ranks of the "Midnight Strippers Club." No, not that kind of stripper - I'm talking about the kind who flings their blanket (affectionately named Fiona) across the room in a desperate attempt to cool down.

Picture this: It's 2 AM, and suddenly you're convinced you've been transported to the surface of the sun. In a panic, you launch poor Fiona off the bed like she's a frisbee at the beach. Then, in a frenzy that would make the Hulk proud, you start ripping off your pyjamas as if they've spontaneously combusted.

By the time the hot flash passes, you're lying there naked, sweaty, and wondering if you should apologise to Fiona for the rough treatment. Of course, this is when you realise you're now freezing and have to reapply each layer. Are we having fun yet?

Then there’s the brain fog/memory loss/why-do-I-feel-dumb-all-of-a-sudden? Trying to convince my children that I was once a well educated and articulate woman when I’ve just called them the dog’s name and can’t remember the word for the yellow stuff that you put on the bread after it’s been cooked in the thingamijig is an all to frequent occurrence. My brain is so scrambled I keep forgetting to mention the memory loss to my GP but thank goodness all things I’d forgotten seem to come to me at 3am every night so right now (and thank heavens for 24hr online shopping ) I’m remembering to order some of this stuff that my bestie swears by…

The Silver Lining

While menopause and perimenopause can feel like a cruel joke played by Mother Nature, remember that you're not alone in this wild ride. Millions of women are right there with you, flinging blankets, cursing their hormones, and wondering why they suddenly have the urge to adopt every stray cat in the neighbourhood (another delightful potential symptom, by the way).

So ladies, let's raise a glass (of water, because wine might trigger a hot flash) to surviving this menopausal adventure. May your hot flashes be brief, your mood swings be manageable, and your sense of humour remain intact. After all, if we can't laugh at ourselves during this time, we might just cry - and trust me, with these hormones, once we start, we might never stop!

Sources

[1] The Menopause Monologue: Hilarious Hot Flash Stories - Replens https://www.replens.com/en-ca/FAB-Blog/The-Menopause-Monologue-Hilarious-Hot-Flash-Stories.aspx

[2] What's So Funny About Menopause? | Poise® US https://www.poise.com/en-us/advice-and-support/menopause/whats-so-funny-about-menopause

[3] Do herbal remedies for menopause really work? - Patient.info https://patient.info/news-and-features/do-herbal-remedies-for-menopause-really-work

[4] What's funny about menopause? - Olivia https://www.join-olivia.com/post/whats-funny-about-menopause

[5] Menopause - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507826/

[6] Menopause treatments can help with hot flashes and other symptoms https://theconversation.com/menopause-treatments-can-help-with-hot-flashes-and-other-symptoms-but-many-people-arent-aware-of-the-latest-advances-230376

[7] Research explores the impact of menopause on women's health ... https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/research-explores-impact-menopause-womens-health-and-aging

[8] Menopause and mental health https://www.menopause.org.au/health-info/fact-sheets/menopause-and-mental-health

[9] Symptoms of menopause | Jean Hailes https://www.jeanhailes.org.au/health-a-z/menopause/menopause-symptoms

[10] The charming history of menopause and HRT | New Zealand https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jan/18/she-will-not-become-dull-and-unattractive-the-charming-history-of-menopause-and-hrt

[11] Mythbusting menopausal hormone therapy | InSight+ - MJA InSight https://insightplus.mja.com.au/2024/24/mythbusting-menopausal-hormone-therapy/

[12] Hormones for menopause are safe, study finds. Here's what changed https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/05/01/1248525256/hormones-menopause-hormone-therapy-hot-flash